Lifting the Veil

First, I’d like to apologize to all of my avid readers, (which is all mmm….1 of you? ;) ) for not tending to this blog in a month and a half. Well, tonight, I have decided to dust off my keyboard and get to writing again. Now mind you, unless something inspirational hits me, (or something worth sharing, at least) this blog may go untouched for another month and a half.

For the past while, I’ve been doing a lot of thinking. Thinking about my past – why certain things happened the way they did, why certain relationships failed like they did – and thinking about my future – where I’ll be in five, ten, fifteen years, who I’ll end up with. Now, I’m not here to talk about anything that happened or blabber on and on about guys and stuff. I’m here to share something amazing that happened, a beautiful epiphany, if you will.

Today, after much thinking about the whole love/relationship thing and having spent some time praying about it, I turned on my laptop and did my usual website check. Facebook, mail, weather, Youtube…. Well, when I logged onto Youtube, one of the videos that was suggested for me was “Call My Name” by Third Day. I really think God put that there – no joke; I listened to that song, and just about shed a tear.  The lyrics to that song are just amazing, and for the first time, True Love was put into perspective for me. After hearing these words, “Soon you will find that I’ll give you all that your heart could ever want and so much more…The Love I have for you is so alive,” I realized that God’s Love for us is SO alive! He IS Love! I don’t need to search for approval, love or affection from anyone or anything else. God gives us ultimate and unconditional love – we need not look any further. There is no way any other love could complete us the way that God’s love completes us. He sent His Son to earth to die on a cross as a sacrifice for our sins so we could spend eternity with Him. What other proof do we need?

After realizing this, I have come to the wonderful, freeing conclusion that I do not need to search for any other love to fulfill any part of me. I can live my life without having to worry about being accepted or loved, God has promised to both Love and accept me unconditionally. From now on, I won’t worry about finding that “special one”. If God has that guy for me, He’ll show me. Until then, and even then, God will be the fulfilling factor in my life. I will go to Him for Love, acceptance, comfort…everything. He knows me better than I even know myself.

What more could I ask for?

New Beginnings

I’ve decided that all of my endless, unbridled chatter on this blog is not doing any good in serving you all. What good does it do for you all to read everything (or just a good portion) of what I think? Why not use this space to bring glory and honor to God? After all, He deserves it! So, I’ve decided that what I will blog from now on (with the exception of a few little personal thoughts) shall be substantive and useful to you all. I am going to write about things that I’ve learned as I’ve studied and read the bible, and some of these things are even bible studies that we (my co-leaders and I) have done in the past, or will be doing in the future. I’ve found that I’ve learned a lot when studying the Word, and hope to share what I’ve learned with you in a more permanent and tangible way through this blog. I really hope you enjoy it and get as much out of it as I have.

So, without further ado, here is entry #1.

I would like to preface this blog by saying that centering our lives on God really makes things right and puts everything else into perspective. If you’re ever confused about something, pray. Make sure He is at the center of your day, your life, your mind and just focus in on Him. Everything else seems much less important when we do this. He will direct your path.

This was written a while ago- Sept. 15th to be exact. It was for a bible study that my co-leader and I were trying to plan. Here is what I wrote:

Monday, September 15th, 2008 – “Balancing your life.”

Honestly, when I started looking into this topic after Adriane and I had talked, I hadn’t a clue about where to look.

To be honest, for about a week or so before Monday, I hadn’t really spent time alone with God nor had I taken the time to read the Bible. I had continued on with everything else in my life but left that vitalpart out (my Lifesource). By the weekend, I was feeling drained in more ways than one- physically, emotionally, and spiritually – yet I knew I had to keep pushing on with my week and weekend because I had to work. Generally you’re supposed to get reston the weekends, but I work, so I don’t. And still I hadn’t spent time with God. By Sunday night, I was feeling utterly depleted and not myself. I definitely noticed this and I know God did too. (Sidenote: As I was coming home from work, I heard a little blurb on the radio that “God/Jesus is jealous of his relationship with you!” This got me thinking – Wow. Jesus REALLY wants that time with me and I’m not giving it to Him. And, like any relationship, it starts to weaken if you don’t spend time with Him.)

Anyway, so Sunday night, I wasn’t feeling like myself, or not the me that I should be by God’s standards. I went to bed that night late again and woke up the next morning to an empty apartment – my roomies had already left for class. I had the whole apartment to myself and so I decided I was finally going to sit down with God, talk with Him, and read His word. I made a pot of coffee and sat down alone with my bible. I prayed and then went to open my bible to think about this week’s topic but honestly had nowhere to look. So I just opened it up to what I had been reading: Matthew. As soon as I read the first paragraph or so, I felt an immediate change and more relaxed and rested than ever before! I knew this is what I had needed all along, yet I was denying myself this Lifesource! (bad move).  

I went on to read Matthew 11:28-30 “Come to Me all who are weary and heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy and My burden is light.” And so it is! If we center ourselves on Him, balance ourselves by His scale, and center our days around His will, then the burden is light and the yoke is easy. I hadn’t been doing that this week and I felt unrested and weak – the opposite of what it would have been had I focused on Him, spent time with Him and made sure I was in His will.

It also amazes me that even though I hadn’t spent the time with Him that I should have, opening His word was like immediate rest – a breath of fresh air – and He showed me exactly what was wrong. Amazingly, and because God is so good, He used the time I was not giving to Him to teach me this lesson. He used my weakness to show His goodness, grace, and strength. Thank You Lord!

Ahoy mateys!

So, I decided to be brave about a month ago when I went to the grocery store, and I bought a can of New England Clam Chowder; I’ve never tried it before and never really had the desire to, either. I don’t really know what made me want to try it, but I grabbed it off the shelf and put it in my buggy.

Today, I decided that I would bring this can o’ soup to work and give it a whirl. So, lunchtime rolls around and I work up the nerve to pop it in the microwave. I go to the back of the store where there is a sink, and proceed to tear off the tabtop. That was going smoothly until it came all the way off and splattered a bit on the wall and mirror. Ew, gross. I popped the lid back on to the cup of soup and walked over to the microwave. Setting the timer for a minute, I walked away to go clean the wall and mirror. Someone came in while my lunch was cooking who required my attention, so I went to the front of the store for a bit. After I took care of the customer, I walked back to the back and stopped in the bathroom to wash my hands before I ate. I went to tuck a strand of hair behind my ear and my hand brushed against my sweatshirt. When I did this, it was met with a cold splotch of soup on my shirt! NASTY! It must have gotten on there when I was opening the can. I looked in the mirror and was totally disgusted!  Not only was it a big white splotch of soup on my shirt (what am I, 3?) but it smelled like clam and I’m pretty sure the customer whom I had just helped saw it on my shirt! After cleaning that up, I went over and opened the microwave to retrieve my soup. I noticed the cup was still a bit cold so I stuck my spoon in it to stir it around. As is customary after I stir my soup, I stuck the spoon in my mouth to get the food off it. The first taste of New England Clam Chowder entered my virgin mouth. Ew. I think I may have grimaced at the taste of this; I know my stomach turned when I smelled it. It was very fishy, and it was cold. I thought maybe it wouldn’t be so bad if it were warmer. I put the soup back into the microwave for another minute.

The buzzer went off and I took my soup to the front of the store. It didn’t smell as bad when it was warmer.  Sitting down, I lifted off the cap and stirred it once more. I took the first bite and wasn’t too pleased, but I have to admit it wasn’t as bad when it’s much much hotter. I ate a few bites and felt my stomach turn. Yeah, this wasn’t turning out so well. I choked down about 3/4 of the cup because I was starving and didn’t bring much else to eat. After that, I just couldn’t take it. My stomach was turning and I think I crunched on a few pieces of sand. Gross. I took the cup to the bathroom, holding it a good distance away from me, and dumped it down the toilet. It looked so gross and my stomach turned again. I thought it might come out of my mouth if I kept dumping it like that. I rinsed the cup out and threw it in the trash having learned a valuable lesson: not all seafood is delectable, especially if it comes out of a can.

Final conclusion about New England Clam Chowder: No Good.

My advice: Save a clam (and your stomach). Don’t eat clam chowder.

And that’s all she wrote…

I realized in my last post, I spelled ‘gorgeous’ wrong. You’d think after years and years of schooling, I could spell a simple word like ‘gorgeous.’ Guess not.

So, this gets me thinking; I have been in school for the majority of my life. I am a semester and a half from being completely done, and I realized last night, when talking to a friend, that I still have not mastered the skill of studying in a timely matter. That’s okay. I work best under a bit of stress anyway.

I really like Proverbs 24:26. Good verse.

That’s all for now. Or, as I’ve heard before, Ta ta for now!

…

…

Today is just one of those days.

It is absolutely gorgeouse outside, and I’m inside working. However, I can’t complain. I need the money. My eyes are really burning and I have absolutely no clue why.

I am really glad I have the job that I do. I like it. Sometimes I wonder though, “What the heck am I going to do after I graduate from college?” I’ve thought about several things, one of them being not starting an actual career, but instead, going to some other country and doing missions for a year. I feel a little tug on my heart to do this, but it worries me at the same time. I worry a bit about the financial aspect of that, but I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that God will take care of me in everything. He always has, and He always will.

Another thought I’ve had is rooming with a friend of mine and starting an event planning business. Seriously- that would be so fun.

I just realized that I type really fast. wow. I typed all that out in 0.02 seconds! Ok. Not really. It’s more like just a few minutes. But I guess that’s what happens when I have a lot (or just a lot of random things is more like it) on my mind and a computer in front of me. A bit dangerous.

Anyway. Now you know why this blog is called “Stream-Of-Consciousness.”

( I read an entire book written in Stream-of-Consciousness once. It was crazy.)

My dog Max…

Today, I had the oddest dream…

I decided to lie down for a nap to catch-up on some missed sleep from the night before. I laid down on the couch, nestled my head on the pillow, snuggled up under my favorite blanket and drifted off to sleep. And so my dream begins…

I dreamt that I was taking a nap but was awakened by my two roommates who were talking rather loudly in the living room where I was sleeping. I awoke to find Jess playing the N64 and Beth cuddled-up on the big blue chair, conversing and laughing with Jess. I sat up and looked around. I noticed some weird additions to our living room; there was some old, creepy-looking, antique furniture piled up around the room. I asked Jess what it was doing there and she responded, “Oh, I just picked this up from a consignment store today,” to which I replied “Oh…ohhhokay…I’ll see what I can do with it…” The furniture was horribly ugly, and for the strangest reason, I was entirely creeped-out by it; but not wanting to hurt her feelings, I agreed to try and incorporate it into our living room.

After sitting and talking for a few minutes with my roommates, I realized that my parents had come into town at the beginning of the weekend and I needed to go see them. Now, this was the odd part: the apartment that I had been napping in was on a different campus; It felt like Chapel Hill, although I never really found out where it was. My parents had come into town and they were going to stay at the apartment where my roommates were, just in a different part. I was going to stay in Belk Hall for the time of their visit. I had been at Belk since the beginning of the weekend when they arrived. They were supposed to be at the apartment already, and they were, but it was one of those time-warp things that happens in dreams where you are in the same place someone else is, but the two places are separate. Anyway, back to the story.

I stood up from the couch and feeling that I looked a bit rough from sleeping, I went to go fix my hair and wash my face. After freshening up, I headed out the door to meet my parents at the apartment. I walked to go see them, and upon arrival, my mom opened the door to greet me. I stepped into the apartment and gave both my parents hugs and kisses and sat down on the couch near the flat-screen television in the den. They asked me the usual questions: “How’s your life?”  “How is school going?” “How is so-and-so doing?” Have you talked to this-that-and-the-other?” “Do you need any money?” I answered each question as they asked me and we talked about life and such.

During the course of our conversation, I felt the need to check my AIM to see if anyone had IMed me, and because I kept hearing the da-ding of the AOL Instant Messanger; I assumed I was getting some messages. I opened up a fold-out keyboard and connected to the flat-screen TV. I suppose since it was a flat-screen, I had assumed it has some sort of special capabilities…I don’t really know.

When I logged on, and pulled up my screen-name and IMs, there were about a hundred or so. I clicked on the one that first popped up onto my display screen that was sitting in my lap (I went from looking at the television to looking at a fold-out screen that sat either on my lap or on the floor). The message read “I HATE YOU!” and it kept popping up rapidly and continuously. I kept trying to X out of it, but could never get it to quit. Finally, I told my parents and called them over to look at it. My mother, being quite concerned, dashed over and began to inspect the messages. “They’re written like cartoons!” my mother said, and upon careful inspection, I noticed that the letters were morphed into cartoon strips of the Incredible Hulk and some other super-hero characters. Also, the words “I HATE YOU” didn’t really say “I HATE YOU” at all. After studying the IMs, which were more like drawings, I noticed, and pointed out to my mother, that they were cryptically written and actually said “I love you,” and something to the effect of “I’m obsessed with you.” This scared me greatly and I got really nervous. Just at that moment, two other new screen names popped up, neither of them names I recognized, and they both said the same things as the first. Needless to say, by this time, I was scared out of my mind. My mother asked me quite frantically who it could be and I ran through a list of people in my head, none of whom would have anything against me or would want to freak me out that badly. I had no clue, but I did know that I was too scared to return home for fear that someone would be waiting for me when I got back. My mom agreed and said that I should stay with them for the remainder of the weekend and go back when they left for home. I was relieved to hear that I could stay with them, but all the sudden, a sickening feeling came over me. I realized I had left my dog Max at home the entire weekend and had forgotten to give the instructions and the key to one of my neighbors to go and take care of him! He hadn’t been outside ALL weekend nor had he eaten or had anything to drink!

I shot up from where I was sitting and dashed to hallway. I called out to my mom to come with me to my apartment and I yelled down the hall to my brother to come so he could protect me should anyone be at my place. My brother emerged from the back room and quickly followed me out the door. Mom was slow to follow. I waited impatiently for her at the door. When she finally was ready to go, beach bag in tow, I ran off the porch steps and down the sidewalk to the lake.

This part of the story is weird. I finally determined after thinking about my dream, that I had two separate apartments- one which was only mine (this is where Max was) and the one I shared with Jess and Beth. I had been napping in the one that I stayed at with my roommates but left Max at my personal apartment. I also was staying in Belk Hall while my parents were there. I assume my parents were staying in the apartment where my roommates were but in a completely different part…almost like another apartment in the same apartment complex. Back to the dream…

The lake was more like a very large pond and so it didn’t take me long to get around it. After getting around it, I ran as hard as I could to get home. On the way, I noticed that I wasn’t running at all- it felt as though wind was pushing against me and I turned around to see where my mom was. She was strolling along with her beach bag, taking her sweet time. This just wouldn’t do, I thought to myself. I needed to get to my dog- he could be dying. I needed to put more effort into this. I leaned forward, and with all my might pushed into the wind and ran full force at sprint speed. I ran so fast, it was unbelievable. Ahead of me I saw two very short Mexican women (I don’t know why they were in there) who were walking incredibly slow. I continued to run full-force and when I got to them I pushed my hand on their head and jumped over them like I’d jump over a fence. I continued to run.

I came across a man pushing his son on a swing that was extended from a giant bridge in the Blue Ridge Mountains. (Although this part of the path looked like the Blue Ridge Mountains, the entire area stood out to me as Chapel Hill). I ducked under the swing, avoiding the swinging teenager, and continued to run. I ran through an area of campus riddled with shoppers who were going from table to table on Chancellor’s Walk near Leutze Hall, buying goods. The flowers were beautiful, I noticed, (Magnolias in full bloom, in fact) but I continued to run. I HAD to get to my dog.  

Finally passing all of the pedestrians, street vendors, and other obstacles, I arrived at the door to the stairway of my personal apartment. I swung open the door, but a fear gripped me. I was afraid to go in alone. I looked back to see where my mother was- she was too far behind to wait. I looked up the stairs and noticed a few older ladies taking their time coming down and going up the stairs. I had to wait. By the time they cleared, I had gathered up enough confidence to go into that apartment no matter who would be there. I needed to get my dog. I dashed up the steps and swung open my front door, breathless and terrified. I almost took a step forward to begin searching the apartment when I saw a man emerging from the far hallway…he was carrying my dog in his hands. I was scared stiff but the fear in me subsided when I noticed this stranger meant no harm and had, in fact, come to rescue my dog.

Upon further inspection of the stranger, I realized that I recognized his face; he was the Take-Home Chef from the food network channel. (haha- I know.) He walked forward, arms extended, carrying the limp, lifeless body of my dog Max, to me. I felt weak, knowing that I had caused this and had I been more responsible, I would still have my precious pet. The man spoke. “I’m going to take him to my sister’s house. She has a white dog just like him (my Max was pure black) and perhaps if we lay them side-by-side, he will absorb some of her life.” I agreed and followed him out the door and met him at his sister’s farm. I watched from a distance as he layed Max by the other dog’s side. He had placed a straw in both of the dogs mouths, for what reason, he did not explain, but after a few seconds I saw little Max’s body begin to move! He was breathing. The man scooped Max up and brought him to me, presenting him as a present. My vision changed into something similar to what you’d see through an old camera lens (I only saw in a rectangle) and went a bit blurry. It seemed like water was running down in front of me and looked kind of like the glimmer you’d see in a pool when the sun is shining off the surface of the water. He layed Max down in front of me but I couldn’t see him; he was out of the frame. Suddenly, Max’s little head popped up in my field of view and he began to lick my face. This is where I heard Beth say something about running errands and I woke up…

So. That was my dream. Incredibly long and detailed, but I hope you got a good laugh out of it. It was rather weird; suspenseful at times and funny at others. It was one of those dreams that you swear you HAVE to be dreaming but you think you’re awake. Totally…different. Anyway, hope you enjoyed that.

Jess said she thought the “I HATE YOU” messages would be from poor little Max who was stuck in my apartment the entire weekend with no food or water. Now THAT would have been funny!

And, for anyone who wants to know- Max was a black Yorkie/Scottish Terrier mix. Adorable:)

Just asking

 

Is it really better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all?

 

just wondering

Change

Change is in the air and so is that great crisp quality that fall brings.

So, this got me thinking- I’ve changed so much too. I was sitting in class just the other day talking with a classmate-someone who is in another class of mine, but we’ve never talked. So today, wanting to get to know a few more people and network a bit, I started up a conversation with him. Normal and easy peasy, right? Not true, and this is how I’ve changed. Ten years ago and even less than that actually, I was painfully shy and wouldn’t start a conversation even if my life had depended on it. It made me nervous.

Now, I love meeting new people, trying new things, going new places. Thinking back on it, I can pinpoint people who helped me change or at least set the change in place. I thank God for these people and the time I got to spend with them.

There is one person who I can remember showed me how cool it is to be yourself and that people will accept you for who you are.

There is one person who I can remember that instilled in me my love for music and desire to listen to anything at least once.

There is one person who I can think of that sparked my love for journaling and free-writing.

There is one Person who I can think of that has been there for me every step of the way and who has helped me up when I’ve fallen, everytime.

There is one person who has showed me patience and love and who would give me the shirt off his back just to make sure I am comfortable.

There is one person who showed me the true meaning of strength. She is a beautiful, bold person.

There are a few people who have become my extended family since I’ve met them. They brighten my day whenever I see them and they don’t ever have to do anything.

There are so many people who are in my life that have affected me in ways they don’t know and may never know. I am a child of God and a product of the things I’ve experienced. I am grateful for every person I’ve ever met and every experience I’ve had because, chances are, they’ve taught me something, somehow.

Point of the blog: I like being me, and I like where I am and who I am now.

Song I just listened to: The War by Angels and Airwaves. This is pretty much the first time I’ve heard their stuff and I think it’s pretty good.

And then there was…

So, this is my first post and I’d like to say…this won’t be that great. I can also tell you, I probably won’t be blogging much but when I do, you’ll know:)